Unholy Hybrids
by Sunhawk419
Summary: Ok, this is the silly one. It's dumb, it's moronic, it proves my immense talent and genius. I kid, make your own mind up. It actually contains many games, but FF is or will be the main one.
1. A Match Made in Hell

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Disclaimatudinator:

This fic, whatever it may end up containing, is an amalgamation of my own ideas and the creations and intellectual properties of the respective companies. In short I'm covering my butt because I don't have any money as it is, let alone after Squeenix/EA/Sony/Microsoft sue me . Please don't sue? THIS MEANS YOU BILL GATES!

Meet Mortimer Mactavish. Fear the alliteration. Quite the respectable name, don't you think? And indeed it befits Mactavish, for he is a respectable man. A proper English gentleman, by all accounts. Not quite the character you might expect to be thrust into a bizarre, amalgamation of Final Fantasy, Command and Conquer, Halo and whatever else I happen to think of whilst writing it, but there we are – the unfathomable and frankly odd world of Montague Dominicus Djugashvili… yah, it's a great pen name, eh? Anyway, back to Mactavish. It all began one day with an experiment.

A dark experiment. The kind of scientific endeavour that would have Viktor Frankenstein recoiling in horror. Tesla coils stretched to the roof of the workshop, crackling with electricity. Jars containing mysterious, unnatural mutations from across the globe sat on rows, dusty. Watching. Their labels bore such unholy names as 'Iznogoud 2: Iztillnogoud', 'Command and Negotiate' and 'Marvel vs. Paul McCartney'. Mactavish laughed. He pulled a switch, the coils flashed with power… and it was born.

"It's alive! Or at least, somewhat powered." He stood back. Static plagued the air. The lights were all out. Except for one – a blue light. A single light. A light symbolising every evil known to man. Evils that could not be conceived by any sane or compassionate mind.

"I have done it! I have created it! I shall see those fools red-faced now! They said it couldn't be done, but here it sits. The perfect combination. The holy grail… a PlayBox." Lightning would normally have crashed dramatically here, setting Mactavish's silhouette against the black sky through the window behind him, but we're a little light on the special effects budget after that fight with all the lasers and stuff later on, so we'll have to do without. Just… smack your head off something really hard. You'll get the loud crash and, if you're lucky, your vision will be a little like seeing lightning. And if so, congratulations! You've successfully installed brain damage! Or at least the freeware version – concussion.

"This device… the perfect combination of Sony and Microsoft. Their two powers in one machine. Capable of a billion processes per second more than any other computer built, able to play any Playstation (And PS2) or Xbox game ever made, able to play two at once!" He cackled again. A proper English mad professor, of whom Dr. Jekyll would have been proud. Well, Jekyll was Scottish, but you get the idea. And then the nightmare truly began – he found the CDs. Final Fantasy X, the perfect mind enslavement program, and Halo, the most potent of all devices. Inserting them into the twin, gaping CD trays, he noted they looked like gates. Gates as he had only seen in his darkest nightmares… the gates of Nintendo! (Look, this is a personal piece; I'm allowed to be disproportionately and unfairly critical of whatever I want.) He shuddered, but pressed on. Literally. It's a terrible pun, I know, but as I said my budget is really tight. It's worth bearing with it though, it gets a lot flashier later on! Please? I need to establish my credentials… ok, everyone who is still reading, thanks. And if not, you suck and what's worse, because you didn't read it you'll never know you suck! MUAHAHAHAHAA!

The power button flicked. In tandem the CDs retraced into the drives. Mactavish turned on the television, checked the connections and picked up the controller. It jarred, having been granted thrice the rumble power of any predecessor. It almost fell from his hand but stopped after a moment and he regained his grip. He watched the screen in anticipation. Nothing. His palms began to sweat, he feared some error, some uncalculated mistake, a cord not connected or a board not soldered. One more minute, he thought. And not a second before he was crushed with massive disappointment and a desire to blame the French, he found himself floating somewhere. Everything was white – he could see nothing.

"I say, what's this now? I don't believe this was supposed to happen. Perhaps there was a power surge? I shall have to take more precautions in future."  
  
Time passed.

"I say, where am I? I don't recall this background or title screen…" He gazed around. Slowly, almost as though at his whim, a background faded into view. "Perhaps I've found the legendary Abyss of the 32-X? That was supposed to only be a rumour though… I do wish I had my notebook with me. Accursed trans-dimensional relocation devices, depriving me of my note taking equipment. I'll be the laughing stock of E3! Not even Daikatana elicited such amusement as this surely shall! I… wait. What's this now?" Words appeared.

- The Final Fantasy Thirteen

He stared. For a long time, he stared. Then,

"LETTERS?!" Outraged. "They spelt the number of the game with LETTERS?!?" Mactavish's face was bright red and his moustache bristled. This was the greatest travesty he had ever encountered! Letters! What ill place was this that spelt numbers with letters? "A mockery! But regardless, I must persist in the interests of science."

Press start. Mactavish attempted to press start numerous times.

"Confounded device, why aren't you working?" He struggled and cursed and wrangled and schemed, before it occurred to him. Press start. Of course! He swam, as it were, over to the word 'start' floating in the sky and pushed it in.

Boink!

"Scientific progress goes Boink?" (DUDE! Uber reference to Calvin and Hobbes!) " That didn't sound quite right. Hmmm, this is most intriguing." It was, in essence, an intro sequence. Except that Mactavish was the star of the intro, and the events leading up to him being where he was now (Which is to say, 'somewhere'.). And then he found himself standing alone in a forest. "Accursed Square-Enix! Another forest? Whatever happened to originality? Massive cities? Ruined towns? Some sort of war? I don't want to be another Tidus! Anything but another Tidus!"  
  
(Side note - If Mactavish's speech patterns and dialect/accent change, it's because I'm lazy. K? Quit whining.)


	2. Aboard the Airship

"Ahhhh, I'm so hungry, I could eat a cactuar, ya?"

"Oh, I have something you could eat Wakka."

"Hey, my jaw still hurts from last night Lu!" He groaned and clutched his stomach "That was a big steak, yah? Real chewy, too." Lulu glared "Uhh, not that you're cooking is bad or anything, it's just… I can't quite manage it more than once every couple of decades. What do you make them out of, anyway?"

"I meant my fist. And you've never wondered why, even with Sin and Vegnagun gone, there are people going missing all the time?" Wakka looked surprised, pondered for a moment, looked horrified, and then said

"I love you sweetums."

"I love you too baby." She curled up in his arms and he held her tightly yet tenderly.

"Shinra. SHINRA! Darn it, where is that little punk?" Paine kicked the machine, cursing the absence of the teenager. And his cute lisp. She thought once again that, no matter how cute he is and how much of a bad boy he's turning into, she is about ten years too old for him. "SHINRA GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE BEFORE I KICK IT RIGHT OFF THE SHIP!" He loped lazily up the corridor,

"Yeah, yeah, quit your yelling. I'm here. What do you need now?"

"The trinium core coolant is broken."

"What do you want ME to do about it?"

"Fix it, preferably before we crash into the ground."

"Hold on. Do you know how hard it is to even GET trinium?"

"It doesn't matter! The core isn't broken, the coolant pipe is!"

"Don't get technical with me, woman! If you know so much about it, why not fix it yourself?"

"Because…" Paine hated him more with every passing moment "Because you're better at this than I am." Shinra smiled, although that wasn't visible behind his mask.

"I'll get right to it." He walked away from Paine who turned herself and headed back up to the bridge. She was halfway there when the intercom was turned on,

"Ebilibudy not fishing the core to the bridshe pleashe!" Darn Hypello. How DID Barkeep become captain, anyway? She couldn't figure it out, but she was willing to bet that moron Brother had something to do with it. After all, he'd married his own cousin… she rolled her eyes at this whole unpleasant incident and carried on up the corridor. Upon reaching the bridge, she was greeting with a fairly typical scene of pandemonium and discord. Yuna and Brother were smooching in a corner, Captain Barkeep was lazily staring out of the window, Rikku was panicking at the sight of a smoking monitor and Buddy was the only one retaining any sense of sanity or calmness. Probably helped by being asleep. Stupid narcoleptics.

"Hey Cap. What's up?"

"Hello Paine, shank you for coming sho quickly."

"No problem. Shinra's fixing the coolant pipe."

"I shee. Well, we should shtart moving at any rate." He cast a water spell on Buddy, who rather entertainingly almost drowned before waking up.

"Gah! What, what is it? You could have just shaken me or something, you know."

"Yesh, but that's lessh fun, you shee?" Wakka and Lulu emerged onto the bridge as well. "Ok, ebilibudy ish here! We have a noo misshion, yesh? We have to find shome shtrangersh in Shpira, and help shem wish share queshts!"  
  
"Oh Yevon, this again? In the last month we've saved Spira three times, helped other people save Spira six times, solve about a million pointless mysteries and gathered so many items that we bought the entirety of Kilika with the _gil_ we've earned and build a giant warehouse there! When can we stop?" Buddy, as you may have gathered, wasn't altogether happy.

"We can shtop when I shay sho. But I am the captain, sho you will follow my ordersh pleashe. Now we need to go to Macalania!" 


	3. Unorthodox fighting

"Cortana, remind me again why we're doing this?" The Master Chief demanded through gritted teeth as he walked cautiously among the Covenant. It was so strange to see them falling at his feet. He gave one a kick, and the grunt practically died with joy, thanking him profusely. The voice of Cortana echoed through his internal comms unit,

"Well, the Covenant believe the sentient potato race of Garash IV to be the forerunners. They'll let us do anything to them. So we're going to blow up every power station on their homeworld, then all their factories, then we'll piss on the graves of their dead and find out how nasty Covenant women can get with an eight-foot-tall tuber." She'd become a real bitch after MC accidentally deleted a quarter of her coding. But what was he meant to do with the big red flashing 'DO NOT DELETE' button? Ignore it?

"Wait, nobody said anything about alien sex."  
  
"I remind you I can overload the suit's systems in less than half a second. It would hurt very much. Or I could concentrate the shielding and superheat it, burning this costume down and laughing as you get raped by about twelve billion Covenant."  
  
"And I remind YOU that your feelings are intricately linked to mine, so you'd feel exactly the same thing as me if that happened." And MC also wondered when the Covenant turned into the porn race. They used to blow Humans up, now they just captured the men folks.

"But I'd _like_ it." She uncounterably countered. "You deleted by inhibitions unit, now I'm free to enjoy anything done to you. And I've also been fused into your armour, so you're not getting rid of me anytime soon." Chief sighed and continued his walk along the weird Covenant gangplanks. He'd already wrecked half of their installations and they'd taken it like bitches. The one Jackal who had protested had summarily had a fuel rod gun shoved firmly up his rectum, and then the trigger was pulled.

"But why are you wanting me to have sex with alien women?"  
  
"Because I'm perverted, of course, and I want you to suffer. Officially though, for science."

"What science?"  
  
"Can Covenant STDs be transmitted to Humans?"

Poor Master Chief. He was fortunately saved from such a fate, however - in attempting to overload a Covenant power plant and research lab, he accidentally triggered some sort of dimensional vortex, the science of which I won't go into here. At any rate, after the black mists had suitably subsided he picked himself up and looked around.  
  
"Where are we? Cortana?"  
  
"Hmm. Unknown. Scans indicate the atmosphere is perfectly suited to human life, and there's a jungle all around us, so we're not in deep space at least."  
  
"Unless it's a deep space jungle."  
  
"True. But there wouldn't be anything underfoot then. Let's go and see if we can find any native inhabitants and have them rape you." As a pre-emptive measure to stop the Chief's complaints, she induced a minor electric shock which made his skin tingle and his nerves ache. He set off, doomed to a life of being electrocuted and raped at the behest of an insane AI program.

Meanwhile, Mortimer Mactavish was wandering through the same copse of trees. He cut some down with his trusty machete, and found in a clearing a very large man in shiny green armour. As is always the way with these things, before any pleasantries such as tea and scones, or even formal introductions, they fought. It was quite problematic for Mortimer though, as the man in green used a completely alien technique to fight. For one, he paid no heed to the ATB system, he simply did what he wanted when he wanted to! Mortimer's hit points held out however, and fortunately the green man was forced to reload - actually _reload _- and in that moment Mortimer attacked. Because he was really, really angry after being shot, he did a lot more damage than usual, and so defeated the green man with an excessively flashy attack. It seemed the green man was very surprised to find his much-loved sidestepping didn't work when the opponent had a 100 chance to hit, as Mortimer gleefully observed his bare hands homing in on the other.

"Name's Mortimer. Mortimer Mactavish." The other man stood up, talking to himself.

"Oh, I'm John. What were you saying about that, Cortana? TURN-based? What the hell does that mean?"  
  
"Yes, well… I'll be going that way now, nice to have met you, thanks for all the XP!" He was about to leave, when that terrible screen popped up, hovering in front of him, awaiting his decision.

'Master Chief wants to join your party. Do you accept?'

- Yes

- No

He chose no. He had no need for a madman.

"But if I don't join you, the world is doomed and Lady Odessa's legacy with die with her!"

'Master Chief wants to join your party. Do you accept?'

- Yes

- No

It wasn't going to matter how many times he picked no. The Chief was coming with, and that was the end of it.

"Alright, welcome aboard. Who's lady Odessa?"  
  
"What's that Cortana? Ah, ok. The voice in my head says she was a fictional revolutionary leader who died and gave her earrings to a mute teenager."  
  
"Interesting. I'm sure we'll come across much evidence of her past and her exploits."  
  
"Naturally." And without another word until the plot next requires it, they set off through the forest, knowing not where they were going, yet guaranteed to end up somewhere populated.

- Guh, that chapter was terrible. / I'm not thinking Chief will fit in here too well… but we'll see. (The Lady Odessa thing is from Suikoden, if you were wondering.)


End file.
